You Make Me Feel: Sh*t, Happy, Anxious, Cheerful?
A recognition that emotions are “contagious”. Is this an opportunity to talk more openly and become more aware of how our emotions affect those we’re living with during a global pandemic? (15 Min Read)
May holds Mental Health Awareness week 18 - 24th. In dedication to that, I will be doing a 3 part blog series exploring our emotions. Emotions are powerful! They can impact our mental, physical health and well-being. So to paraphrase the musical legends that are, The Temptations;
“It was just my emotions.
It was just my emotions runn’in away with me.
Oh, it was just my emotions.
Runn’in Away with me.”
Before we even start, straight-up this is an acknowledgment that we are living in very “unusual times”; with a global health pandemic that will fundamentally change the way we live our lives forever. Woah, that was BIG! Just before we get into it, I have to say, that this pandemic in my opinion will define a generation in terms of attitude, beliefs, priorities, demands on society and finally will leave mental and emotional scars long after it’s over.
So the “way we live” has changed. We’ve been forced to “stay at home” to combat a global health pandemic. Complying with “staying at home” has placed “strain”, “stress” and even led to relationship “break-down”. For others it has “strengthened” and afforded an opportunity for “even further bonding”. And there is a whole spectrum in between. All of our relationships are unique and deeply personal. When I speak of relationships, I am speaking of with “oneself”, “Spouse/Significant Other”, “Children”, “Mum”, “Dad”, “Sister”, “Brother”, “Aunty”, “Grandma”, “Work Colleague” and “Insert your own person here”. There is nothing else to say but this is complicated!
Today’s blog is encouraging you to think about how our emotions impact “ourselves” and “those around us”. So we’re going to explore how emotions are “contagious”. We’ll do that by looking at the following topics:
How are you?
Active Listening
How are your emotions contagious?
Reflection on “managing negative emotions”
How to communicate how we’re feeling to others
How are you?
In the previous blog, we looked at the deceptively easy question “How are you?” and found safe and comfortable ways for you to listen actively and be comfortable with another person’s emotional response. We looked at some common emotions and how to practice “active listening”. We also took a look at the power of “holding space” for some and allowing another person to speak openly without fear of judgement or recrimination. Finally we looked at a couple of ways to hold an empathetic conversation. The re-cap is below:
1 “Prepare to listen” - Physically
So what I mean by this is turn off and clear away any notifications, close your laptop, book, notepad or anything that is not essential for the conversation. Find a place where you are comfortable, able to hear and makes you feel safe.
2 “Prepare to listen” - Mentally
Clear your mind of your own personal “to do list”, “issues” and create some space in your mind that is clear, “open and ready to receive”. Be aware that you really need to focus your mind on what is being said, so practice being present and growing in awareness of yourself. If you catch yourself drifting, acknowledge that and say to the person, “my focus on you was broken”, “please can you repeat yourself, thank you”.
Just to add to this discussion, if you ask this question and the other person gives an unexpected response. Don’t diminish it. By this I mean feel the need to add an opinion that is not held by the person. So in this situation we are just here to let them speak their truth and receive what the other person says. If a person suddenly starts to cry, don’t try to stop them or gets really angry and starts shouting. Let them have their moment and do not say anything. Then just say “I’m here for you”, “How can I help?” If they don’t want to talk about it, then respect that and say, “We can talk about this at a time when you are ready, please let me know when that is”. We can show compassion, by not saying anything at all, because in so doing we are letting that person express their true authentic feelings. This does not mean we tolerate unacceptable behaviour, if someone is angry and using words or directing their “anger” personally at us, we should tell the other person how we feel at “the right moment in time” and when you know the “other person is able to listen”. This is so hard because we need to consider that the moment we’re in may not be the right time for the other person to listen. Now we’re going to explore more about “active listening”.
Active Listening
Less talking and more listening! Yes, I agree it’s so easy to with the best intentions want to do the following when having a difficult or emotional conversation:
Solutionize
Tell the other person what to do
Tell the other person “you know how they feel”
Not want to listen to what the other person has to say because you’ve been hurt by them
Not be 100% in the conversation and be distracted by our own emotions or issues
Tell the person they “Are a “Jerk!”
Tell the person “How disappointed or let down by them we feel”
Want to physically harm them with words or physically!
I’m here to say, hold-up wait a minute! If we are thinking any of the above, can we really “be listening”? This is where we’ve really got to practice, “learning to be present” and in “holding space” for others to speak their truth regardless of how painful it is for us to hear. We need to listen actively, so that we can be curious and enable us to discuss with the other party our emotions and the impact it is having on us and where we are asking for help, support, understanding or guidance. Next we’re going to look at how emotions are “contagious”.
How are my emotions contagious?
Have you noticed when you watch a really funny movie, that you feel happy and that you want to share that mood with others. Conversely when we are feeling sad we may become withdrawn, not communicate our feelings and behave in less constructive ways than normal. We need to be really alert to our feelings during this global pandemic, because as we are asked to “stay at home” we have the power to affect our “spouse/significant other”, “kids”, “parents”, “grandparents” and “work colleagues” with our emotions. Yes, emotions can travel over “Zoom”, it’s like being on “yourself TV” and broadcasting to your friends, colleagues, family members or social groups of people! So try and be more aware about the emotions that you are “broadcasting”. This is not to say you should hide your “negative emotions”. This is to say be aware of them and think about how you are going to acknowledge them and then work through them. Next up, the negative emotions section.
Managing my negative Emotions
I once had a poem published, about sadness. It went something like this:
“When I feel sad I recoil inside myself.”
When I feel sad I don’t want to let the outside world in”.
The point I am making is that feeling sad, depressed, sullen or having low energy is not the problem. The problem is around acknowledging the “negative feeling” and “catching it” so that we can find a way to work through it and let it pass. So if you feel a negative emotion, it’s OK to share and talk about it. However, what I encourage are the next steps around working through them. Let’s take a look at some actions we could take:
Cry
Take a nap
Journal and write down our thoughts and feelings
Read a self help book
Watch our favourite comedy show or movie
Take a run
Talk a walk
Meditate
Talk to a trusted person about it
Draw, paint, sing, dance
Insert your OWN!
All of the above are just examples of what you could do. I encourage you to take a positive reflective action that will help you to work through the sadness. Another thing to note, is it may take days, weeks, months and years to work through. The point is that you look at ways to work through it. By no means is this to say that negative emotions have no purpose or that they can’t indeed serve us in some instances. However it is just to say that sometimes you may need to work through them rather to let them fester. Or you recognise that it is more than you can manage on your own and join a programme, reach out to a professional and you get the help and support that you need. If your negative feelings pertain to Depression, anxiety or PTSD, then the latter may apply. I am proud of you for taking steps to deal with your negative feelings in a way that is positive and works for you. Everyone is individual, but together we can lift each other up and support one another with our emotional endeavours.
I’d like to share a personal story. A close family friend has lost both of his parents recently. That statement in itself is very emotional, just to read those words. As these are unusual times, he was not able to hold a funeral with all the family and friends that he would have wanted to. So he did the best that he could and he broadcast the funeral live. I went to a “virtual funeral”, it made me feel sad and proud. I was proud of the way that my friend organised the funeral and the fitting way that he chose to remember them and to allow all the many friends and family around the world participate in this event “with him”. It was a beautiful and moving service. However at times, my mind did wonder and I caught myself thinking, thoughts that were not relevant to this occasion, “I told myself, my thoughts have wondered. I am sorry about that and I will keep my focus on this event because it is important to me”. I told myself this more than once and I am not ashamed to speak my truth. I watched it right to the end event of the broadcast, despite it being very difficult to watch. I also told my Husband my feelings and let him know I would need some “emotional support” that day. I also noticed a low energy that day and lack of focus for that day. So I decided to close my work day earlier.
So today, I am going to give you 4 tips on how to communicate how we’re feeling to others and to give them the “space to help them listen”.
1 Creating a “safe space” to talk about our emotions in manageable chunks
Sometimes we cannot help but express our emotions, we do it all the time and unconsciously through our tone of voice, body language, what we say and what we don’t say! So if this is not something that you usually do, then you will need to prepare the other person that you would like to talk about “how you are feeling more deeply”. In addition you will need to consider that talking about how we feel takes a lot of energy, so just try to stick to one emotion and theme in the chat. In addition to expressing there are other emotions you’d like to talk about in another chat. This so that both people don’t get overwhelmed!
2 Choosing a “safe place” or “neutral place” talk about our emotions
This one is so important especially NOW! OK, so let me break it down, we all have arguments, tantrums and sad moments, there are certain memories we attach to certain rooms in our home. So if you know you tend to have fights in the kitchen, then don’t choose to have a talk about your emotions in place, “that room is already fraught with tension”! Please consider the place you choose to have this talk, choose a more “neutral room” or if possible “place”, “a park” or “coffee shop”.
3 Finding a “good time to talk about our emotions”
I love that we’re all unique and different. As such some of us function better at certain times of day. There are “morning people”, “day-time people”, “evening people” and some other combination of the spectrum. But you get it! Choosing “the time to talk” is very important, so that both parties have the best chance of being able to truly engage.
4 Reflection and Re-play
Talking about our emotions can be quite an intensive experience. So we need to acknowledge that and allow for time for reflection for both parties. Speaking our emotional truth will take a lot of energy for us to deliver and also for the other person to receive it. With that in mind, the other person may not expect you to have these emotions or may be impacted in unexpected ways. To this end we may need to agree with the other person to have time to reflect and then talk about the emotion or issue again. When you next discuss it, my hope is that you can both respectfully be curious about it and help each other to understand it’s impact.
Resources
Address Stress - Mental Health First Aid England
Mind Mental Health Charity - How to manage stress
Contact the Samaritans - Confidential advice